all trash, no trailer

2011-10-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

How is it possible for the only thought stampeding through my mind to be, "I don't know"?

This isn't one of those times when someone asks a question and I confidently reply, "I don't know, but I'll find the answer for you." Nor is it really a statement at all. It seems to be as powerful as the thundering hooves storming through Pamplona, resonating within the confines of my cranium. Not a question, not and answer.
There were no waving crimson flags, no screaming crowds, no pomp at all, in fact, that got me to this place. Circumstance, yes.
It's as if all sources of incoming information have ceased to be. Silence from the outside, incommunicado.

How do you solve a problem that is inexpressible?

Getting Back to Basics

2011-07-17T00:29:00.000-05:00

I met this girl once, a couple of years ago. She was pretty cool. I grew to know her very well over time and even grew to love her. She had this really zen-like, calming quality about her, level-headed in any situation but a lot of fun, too. She was me.

I honestly never thought I'd be someone who could shine a mirror on the inside and out and be content, happy even, with what I saw. I'd never experienced it before. I miss her.

Things have been growing increasingly more difficult over the past year, one curve ball after another with barely any time to breathe between swings. I felt bitterness creeping in and knew I was losing myself again. The self-loathing started to return.

About a week ago, some decisions were made for me, decisions I thought I could never survive. The reality of it all is that they were truly a gift. The Universe, in her infinite wisdom, forced me to reclaim the really awesome woman that I was and will become again, regardless of my circumstances.

I now recall that I am strong enough to stand on my own and make the very difficult choices that I will be facing more and more each day with resolve and certainty that they are the right ones for me. It's not easy, but as cliche as it is, nothing worth having is ever easy.

I hope to start writing regularly again. I hope to smile more often and laugh out loud. I hope to leave my house more frequently, not to go to work or the grocery store, but to get out and enjoy all of the opportunities life has to offer. I hope to leave an indelible mark on someone, even if it just means making their days brighter.

Most importantly,
I HOPE.

2011-04-13T00:41:00.000-05:00

I miss the days of tripping, dipping, swaying, loving, weaving, breathing, just being,
replaced now with one dull flatline of silence.
Ever waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop.
It's fallen with a harsh thud so ungracefully from the sky on so many occasions, only to be yanked up swiftly by it's everlong lace, that I rarely even startle when it hits me in the head.

I miss the colors of the waves and breezes, the taste of the sunshine that emanated from her lips, the joy of weightlessness, floating freely above the trees, just living.
And now I stand, feet mired in the pallid clay as I dissapate into the stagnant air,
molecule by molecule.
Sort of Escher-esque, in a way, I suppose,
only much less purposeful.
I wonder how long until I cease to be?
Energy can be neither created or destroyed?
I beg to differ because it's happening now.
Fuck the laws of Thermodynamics.

self indulgent bullshit, my new reality

2011-04-05T20:41:00.000-05:00

I did it. Last week I threw up my hands and conceded defeat, something I always vowed I'd never do. I refused to get out of bed, gave into the tears, then the anger, admitted fear and finally became numb again except for the physical discomfort I'm in. I guess it's supposed to be some cruel reminder that I'm alive. A fact I'd rather forget some days. This has been the cycle for nearly a week now. My behavior not only disappoints me, but disproves the theory some of my friends have that I am strong. The reality is, I used to be strong, or maybe it was sheer refusal to be what I've always despised, but I'm tired. I could always count on my mind, even after a few years ago when my physical body started to fail me and I was no longer able to push it to its outer limits, I could always stretch my brain beyond capacity. I don't think I can anymore nor am I sure I even want to. Don't misunderstand my intent. I am not selfish enough to make some ridiculous, grand sweeping gesture of finality. It never even crosses my mind, and therefore I am in a quandry. How do I continue really living each day feeling the way I do about a worsening, unfortunately this time, beyond my control situation? I just don't know anymore. I don't think I've ever been this far in it. I'm lost.

Writing Nothing or Nothing Writing

2011-02-23T20:00:00.000-06:00

I'm staring at the muted television, some stupid pop culture "comedy" crap. I don't understand it. Stomach growling, in knots, bile surging to my throat. The silence is my very best friend and I as always, my own worst enemy. I'm having some sort of God Damned existential crisis and it pisses me off. I want to write, write, write it all down because I was somehow born physically incapable of screaming out loud. Either that or I let someone steal my voice. Either way, I find it physically impossible to scream. Trying to write makes me even more angry, I think. I'm not sure the words are even stuck, I just think they don't really exist. What is WRONG with me? Gotta keep moving, moving, moving. Never stop and listen to yourself. That just allows for emotions, feeling all that namby pamby crap. I mock it, because I don't know how to feel it. Not really. According to my father, I'm a lot like him. Not the "excitable" type. Everything is just sort of passive, sit back and let life pass you by. Don't rock the boat. It'll all work out in the end. I blame him, you know. Crossbreed that with a the most opposite personality in the world, my mother. She's insane, but she's lucky enough that she doesn't realize it. Thoughts just come and go, emotions come and go. Doesn't matter how they affect anyone else, they're too fleeting to really matter. I blame her, too. I thought the goal was to hope for a successful combination of the best traits for your progeny. As hard as I've tried to quell this, I seemingly struggle with all the worst. All of this bubbling up inside of my head where the pragmatic meets the crazy, which in my defense, I have managed to pare down to "philosophical" and war entails. Not just any war, but the battle of wills inside a highly over-educated mind. The kind that picks apart every little detail until they bleed and then uses that sticky, viscous fluid to artfully paint the walls and redecorate. I'm so tired. Never stopping, up-ending, twisting, turning rails for my thoughts to zoom upon faster and faster until I pass out from the unbearable forces of nature and gravity. I'm kind of hoping spontaneous combustion is in my near future. It seems like such a peaceful way to go.

2011-01-16T15:50:00.000-06:00

I can't remember the last time I cried. Not really. A few tears escape here and there, but nothing to speak of. Honestly, I hate crying, except for the few occasions that I really need to. Everyone knows its sometimes a necessity and can make you feel better.
I don't even understand what this is about. I'm generally a very content person, laid back and go with the flow. I enjoy that about myself. Lately, I've even been realizing how grateful I am for so many things in my life. So this doesn't make sense. I can't come up with an explanation or reasonable excuse for the extreme depression I've been feeling on and off over the past 6 months. I feel a little like a hypocrite because I've always believed that happiness is a choice. I still believe that, but can't seem to manage it. I feel as though I'm trying. I make myself go out when I don't want to, I exercise and try to stay active, try to keep up with friends, but over that past couple of weeks these things are falling off. Getting out of bed is dreaded every day. I HATE THIS! Anyone who knows me understands that I don't want to feel this way and that I try to do everything to fight it. Ughhhh.... so much turning over and over in my head, I can't even make sense of it all. Hoped writing some of it down would help, but now I'm just more confused. I just want to get back to myself, content, happy and living again....

2010-11-02T00:35:00.000-05:00

Shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.
Sitting amidst them in a dimly lit room.
I've been trying for days to figure out how they all fit together,
how I fit together.
So I gathered them up into a pile in front of me,
hoping for some small miracle.
I think a couple of matching edges may have met today.
The pieces didn't come together exactly,
but it felt like something fit,
briefly anyway.

Questions of science and progress

2009-12-24T20:54:00.000-06:00

Hilarity reigns supreme in this house of cards. She pauses, momentarily, satisfied with that thought.
Clear your head.
Can't, she replies and shudders from the strong gusts of wind infiltrating the shabby stack of jacks and queens. Where's the duct tape? I need something to patch these god damned cracks in the walls.
Don't cheat. You only get the cards. It's all in the cards.

2009-11-21T23:45:00.000-06:00

Her eyes were the clearest sky that I've ever seen. It's what I remember the most when I see her in my mind. I got the ocean. Fortunate am I, to have shared a soul where the ocean met the sky.

2009-11-19T17:42:00.000-06:00

The Spiritualist

2009-11-17T17:33:00.000-06:00

Beautiful Disaster

2009-11-15T23:25:00.000-06:00

Synaptic Bedlam

2009-11-11T20:16:00.000-06:00

I think you see what I'm saying...

2009-11-10T22:19:00.000-06:00

Split Personality

2009-11-09T19:43:00.000-06:00

Indecision

2009-11-09T00:58:00.000-06:00

Stargazing

2009-11-07T14:46:00.000-06:00

The Outsider

2009-11-06T00:00:00.000-06:00

Intrigue

2009-11-04T15:11:00.000-06:00

Brilliantly Fading

2009-11-03T22:02:00.000-06:00

written all over our faces

Looking for the light

2009-11-02T16:44:00.000-06:00

The End of the Tunnel

Emotion of the Day

2009-10-28T17:09:00.000-05:00

Organized chaos.

2009-10-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

I can talk all day long. No question about it, but I've recently discovered how little my words seem to do for me. Not in the way that I am unable to effectively communicate my basic thoughts to others, but in actually expressing my emotions. Emotions scare me. They are not concrete or tangible. The closest I can come to achieving this is by relating to visual images. Here's another picture from a recent outing. It's one of my favorites for this particular reason.

For the sake of a smile

2009-10-13T23:10:00.000-05:00

So I've nothing special or enlightening to say lately, but am just trying to remember the importance of simplicity. Yet in the seemingly simple things that bring a smile back to me, I still find myself over analyzing things and making them more complex than they need be. Thought this picture I took at the Dallas Arboretum demonstrated this quandry nicely.

Restoration

2009-09-18T01:45:00.000-05:00

It's late, sleep eluding me once again. I'll soon be in the Ambien haze so who know's where that may lead. There have been a lot of things, difficult ones, going on in my life over the past months so I've run the gamut of emotion and back again and thus far have landed at frustration. This leads me to my point, or the one I'd like to eventually make.
I was driving down the street in a half dreamstate and noticed a church called Restoration Something-or-Other. It was the word "restoration" that actually caught my eye and then promptly pissed me off. Immediately I felt that by putting the idea of a place for people to go to be restored (somewhat like a classic hotrod), implyed that all who enter that building must be broken. I don't buy into organized religion anyway, but sometimes the names of these places really make me think. This one about the precept of beng a broken person who requires someone to "fix" or "restore" them. My question is, "What is it that we need to be restored to?"
I don't choose to see people as broken. I think we are unique, beautiful and tragic, all in our own ways but learn to integrate that into our everyday existence. What really lies at the end of the restoration path? A place where we can all so closely relate that we become difficult to tell apart from each other? No one travels the same path and on certain days each individuals path may change a multitude of times. Don't let anyone ever convince you that you are broken or in need of restoration. Be wonderfully, beautifuly, tragically you everyday. Follow your path with your eyes open and learn from anything you can along the way. Be your own answer.

My Universe

2009-08-31T00:06:00.000-05:00

An untroubled breeze whirls evenly past,
my eyes averted toward the heavens, not really seeing
but looking just the same.
What I'm searching for is a mystery, even to me.
Perhaps if I stare with enough intensity it will become apparent
or the exotic tinkling of the camel bells will begin to coalesce
and form words in my ears, providing me with an answer.
Oddly, I am feeling weightless and onerous in the same moment
and in this, I am physically conflicted.
Moving requires the strength of Atlas
but I somehow manage to pull my hand up through the inky night
persuading one last drag from my cigarette.
I sit here most nights thinking about nothing and everything,
sleep eluding me and wondering if this is all there is.
There are those who think I worry too much,
but it is in these small, stolen occasions alone,
I find peace.

Anger

2009-08-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

So my friend asked me a reasonable question today.
"Are you angry?"
We were discussing a situation that is currently seriously affecting my life. I had to think about it. It occurs to me that I should be angry. I have every right to be angry at someone, yet I can't seem to muster it. I find that odd. I would like to write it off as my being above it and that anger is just a wasted emotion and a vulgar use of energy. I think that explanation would just be bullshit at this point. A normal girl does not go through some of the things I've been through lately and not get angry. It's not fucking normal.... and I'm worried. I fret that I have talked myself out of being emotional for so long that I truly don't know how to have a true emotion any longer. I've cut them off, they're gone.
What does this mean? Am I going to be stuck in this perpetual state of limbo because I can't have emotions, process them and move on? If I could manage to get angry then maybe I'd yell it out, cry and scream, maybe kick a wall or two. It's a nice thought, but I can't even visuallize myself doing it. I feel cold, almost non-existent.
Am I even really alive anymore?

RIP Roi

2009-06-28T23:50:00.001-05:00

so in a couple of days i will be saying goodbye to my thyroid gland and all his little friends that decided to grow on him. i'm a little nervous, yes... surgery and all, but i started thinking it would be hysterical to get a new skool interpretation of a thyroid with wings and a banner wrapped around it reading "in memory of Roi" (short for thyroid, it's what i named him). i'd love to put it over my scar after it is all healed, but i can't really tattoo my neck.
dunno if i'll do it or not, but i'm considering it.... oh, and i'm certainly still laughing at the thought of it!

2009-06-12T00:15:00.000-05:00

You always tell me that I'm so beautiful when I cry
Today I was so God Damned beautiful you would have had to avert your eyes
If you'd only been there.

You said you adore me and would never hurt me
That I wouldn't have to go through this alone
But today your beautiful disaster felt more alone than you can imagine.

I tried everything I could
I called, I pleaded, I kicked the front door and cursed you
You never answered.

I understand that there are things I may never get to know about you
But you can't just disappear one day and then reappear the next
I need you now

If you're not up for the challenge, then leave me alone
Don't get my hopes up with promises of love and forever
I'd never do that to you

Admiration

2009-05-27T19:54:00.000-05:00

In a world full of people who never even try, my girl stood up for what is right. She believed in something, or rather the injustice of something, and used her voice to make some noise and rattle more than a few cages. Even though she can't see the difference she has made, she did make a difference, maybe not in the immediate way she had hoped, but I know all about the ripple effect and she will see it in time.
I admire her for making this stand. I know it wasn't easy and she lost some things in the process. Right now she feels somewhat defeated, but tomorrow will be a better day and she will go on to advocate for others who, for whatever reason, have lost their own voices. It's all still fresh and a little painful, so I can't say what she will take away from this experience, but I know I have been reawakened to the needs of someone other than myself. I only hope the next time an opportunity presents itself, I will be bold enough to use my voice, my power. Will you?

I think I'll call her LuLu....

2009-05-03T22:30:00.001-05:00

My newest addition to the left calf.... It's not yet complete but after 5 hours Cristal decided my leg was turning into ground chuck and we should stop. Gotta finish up the background in a couple of weeks after she heals. I think it's a decent picture, but the colors are absolutely amazing if you see it in person.

NEVER....

2009-04-22T21:24:00.000-05:00

take even half a xanax and drink tequila... it's a VERY bad idea... or I'm just a lightweight. Whatever, just please heed psycho's warning.

2009-04-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

the jar stands empty on the bedside table

rather inconspicuous and usual aside from the small flecks of dried blood on the rim

you laugh and revel as blood drips from your hands

delighting in yourself and the one you hold

funny, its just a simple mason jar and no one would ever guess what resides there

you tire now of the bright red dripping joy and briefly debate what to do

quickly now, put it back in the jar, seal it up tight

it's meant only for you to take out as you wish on another day

the heart slides easily back into its home, alone

always able to be seen through the glass, but rarely touched

valued for all it is, but taken for granted that it can never escape

the heart sits on your bedside table silently grieving

The Ghost Hunters

2009-04-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

Miss Molly's Hotel, you know the one... right above Lola's Saloon
One of the most haunted sites in the state
Paranormal research groups from everywhere come to check this shit out
Even Texas Christian University has a PRS, hmmm... who'd a thunk it
Seems kinda like an oxymoron to me... at the very least hypocritical

We venture out in to the street, eerie, almost full moon hanging in the sky
The abandoned Isis Theater standing there inviting me in
We wander the Stockyards, almost abandoned on a tuesday night, but the only ghosts I see are imprints. The kind the human spirit leaves in its wake after the human is long gone... nothing frightening about that

So tired now, a little dinner and a single beer has dampened my need to seek out Jake, the specter cowboy who apparently lives in the room two doors over from mine
We fall asleep. It's a fitful, unrestful slumber. Periods of REM followed by a jolt awake for no seemingly good reason
Now as I again open my eyes, pale morning light hovering in the room, Erin loudly whispers in a panic, "Kari, are you awake? Did you hear that?"
I heard it, I'd been hearing it now for the past 15 minutes but had decided sleep was more important
"What is it?" She asks urgently
"A pigeon?" I blurted out all the while thinking that it sounded like the apparition, Jake, having one hell of a time.... the place was once a brothel, you know
Hmmm.... what does a ghostly orgasm sound like?

Nine AM rolled around so I found my way into the small kitchen where Erin was sitting with Polly, the Innkeeper
Conversations about living in a haunt all alone and comparison of a few notes over small bumps in the night
Interesting.... but not anything too incredible
Another night in the life
Next time we'll break into the Isis, at least there we're bound to get a little fright

The Impending Doom of Manic Girl

2009-03-19T15:22:00.000-05:00

I was a total jackass yesterday. I know, you're asking yourself... "Hmmm... how is that different from any other day?"
I think things are fine now, but upon drawing this conclusion, I realized a couple of things.
I have been anxious and feeling dreadful over the trip I am soon taking to Latvia and England. I know, this sounds incredibly stupid. I should be super excited to be going on vacation, with one of my very best friends for 3 entire weeks! Well, i figured that my recent jackassery was th product of hormones and sadness over the fact that yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my sweet little gramma's death. The combination of these things coupled with the everyday stress of things around here pushed me over the edge and I said some things I wish I hadn't. (ie. I have regret) I make it a policy to never have regret, therefore, my thoughts are usually carefully considered and my words measured, especially when it comes to a heated discussion.
I digress.... anyway, through all the self analysis, I realized that I am having some sort of body memory to the last time I visited Latvia in 2005. My gramma had been really ill and passed away while I was abroad. I think this is the core of my foreboding. I realize in my logical mind that nothing bad is likely to happen while I'm gone, but I'm having a difficult time disassociating the two events. I am also usually really on top of things. I'm not much of a procrastinator. So when I realized the I am leaving in less than 3 weeks and I have done NOTHING to prepare for my trip short of buying a plane ticket, I started to panic. Needless to say, I have worked myself in to a nervous frenzy over all of this.
Jeez... as I'm typing this, I realize how stupid and useless it all sounds, but I guess being human inately requires moments like this. I know, I know, you've come to expect the trailer park super heroine who talks trash, takes no crap and could give a shit... Where's that girl when ya need her???

Psychobillygirl is...

2009-03-17T06:59:00.001-05:00

irreversibly, irrevokably and irreverently in love with the girl!

I'm a little...

2009-03-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

...intrigued and irritated. I wonder why it is that people from your past, who haven't been at all interested in your life for years, suddenly pop up again when they find out that you are, for instance, dating someone, pregnant or basically anything else in your life that may be a hot topic for gossip and become VERY interested in you. I have recently begun to experience this phenomenon. I cannot personally imagine having so little to do with myself that I was at all interested in these type of things if they were not pertaining to my closest friends. I might want to wish someone well if our paths happened to cross, but beyond that, it's really none of my business. This experience has left me wondering how this precise thought doesn't cross other people's minds...
So, you see, I am intrigued.
However, today, i think I am way more irritated. What am I supposed to say to these rather intrusive questions?
"It's none of your damn business, so back the fuck off..."
That doesn't seem at all polite, and I don't truly wish to offend anyone, but I do not like the trapped feeling that I am left with when I am asked these questions. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, because I know that the ones doing the asking are only interested in any information that will become fodder for the gossip mill. My true friends know all of the gory details and they love me regardless, without judgement.
What bothers me the most is that I truly don't care what others think, but I also feel that it is my personal right to avoid the probable bullshit that will result if I answer honestly. I am very happy with my life and don't want the negativity bringing me down.
So, do I just ignore these people, the best I'm able?
Do I stand up and say, "why yes, I am participating in a relationship that you will not approve of on the basis of your moral stance" and then avoid them?
I don't know what to do....
I know there is no easy answer and I have made a choice in my life that makes me very happy, but a lot of people don't or refuse to try and understand.
I never in a million years thought I'd feel this way, because I have made every effort to delete the negative from my life, yet these people are seriously coming out of the cracks in the floor...
I feel a little better just venting this... but now, I just feel FRUSTRATED!

Potential

2009-03-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

Potential... realizing your own and doing something about it is an amazing feeling. When you can do it on a daily basis and you are no longer constantly doubting yourself, it can feel like a miracle. I selfishly thought that the realization and action would be the pinnacle of greatness. I was wrong.
Today I learned that watching someone you care deeply about have that same experience truly tops all. It is an indescribable feeling to be able to observe that actual transformation from self loathing to the realization that you are worth something....
I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

A Great Day...

2009-02-24T01:48:00.000-06:00

spinning

2009-02-01T22:57:00.000-06:00

spiralling out of control
an abrupt halt in mid spin
a reassurance and a stutter
then back into full tilt spinning again

dizziness unending
joyful and painful all the same
brief interludes of ecstasy
punctuated by episodes insane

each is the other
my other is she
magik kindred, hearts belonging
twined together become we

25 things you may not know about me

2009-01-28T11:53:00.000-06:00

1. I love to learn. I’m a huge book geek and actually enjoy going to school.
2. Tattoos and the art of tattooing are a passion of mine.
3. I will always say my favorite color is black, though it is the actual absence of light that I like about it, but I really do love green because it is so calming.
4. I love to go to cultural events, but I hate the pretense that usually surrounds them.
5. I like the numbers 8 and 13. Maybe because they’re kind of rounded in shape and aesthetically pleasing to my eye??? Lol
6. I LOVE my puppy dogs and have a real soft spot for stray animals. I hope to some day be able to run a small refuge for homeless and injured dogs.
7. I love kids and enjoy spending time around them, but I definitely don’t want any of my own.
8. My favorite musical is Mamma Mia! (The actual stage show, thought I really liked the movie)
9. Music is very important to me. Nothing gets to me like a well written song.
10. I’m a loner a lot of the time, but I value nothing more than having a great time with my best friends.
11. I love to travel… a lot… and plan on doing it extensively over the next few years.
12. I’m a little different from a lot of you in that pain is an almost spiritual experience for me and I don’t mind it so much. :wink::wink:
13. Staring at the one I love is a favortie past time of mine.
14. I like to build things and put things together. It’s like a puzzle for me and I enjoy a good challenge.
15. I don’t label myself…. Ever… and I wish others wouldn’t either because it limits your ability to really know me.
16. I miss my gramma every day and sometimes have such realistic dreams about talking to her that I wake up crying convinced she is in the room with me.
17. I’m much more of a homebody than most people might think, but I do enjoy getting out and being crazy from time to time. ; )
18. I love architecture and at one point considered going to school to become an architect.
19. I love surgery and hope to get a job in that area someday. It’s like arts and crafts for the morbid.
20. I can be very dark and very intense.
21. I love being creative and making art, but I spend very little time doing it.
22. The only two things I collect are DVDs and CDs. The rest of it is clutter so I usually get rid of things on a regular basis.
23. I tend to like gross, boy humor. I am not easily embarrassed nor do I take offense to many things.
24. I know I’m intelligent, but I don’t necessarily think knowing that about myself makes me an arrogant person…
25. I admire very strong women who make it on their own merits without feeling like they have to step on or emasculate a man in the process.

the ice

2009-01-27T22:47:00.000-06:00

well,
i woke up this morning to a very cold, crappy morning and thought....
"hmmm, i hope i don't have to work late today..."
you see, i really just wanted to snuggle down in the warm house.
i got ready, headed out to work
and because my boss is so generous (hint of sarcasm), i was informed that i was actually the only one working out of our group today.
usually, i would have gotten a little peeved about this...
BUT,
it afforded me the opportunity (sp?) to spend the entirety of the work day stealing secret glances at someone who fascinates me!
THEN,
as if good fortune were smiling on me today, i got to spend the remainder of the day with the object of my fascination....
and the ice melted....

Yes, Ginga....

2009-01-25T20:49:00.000-06:00

today I am.... MUCH BETTER!!!!!

As a matter of fact, I am floating on cloud 9! : )

Today I am....

2009-01-24T17:27:00.000-06:00

...ecstatic, confused, elated, anxious, nauseated, impatient, out of control, sassy, afraid and so sure that i have no idea what's really going on. i'm definately not unhappy, but my mood changes literally from minute to minute with only brief relief. As you can imagine, this has made me VERY TIRED. lol
I wonder how long I can live like this. Uncertainty, It's not a concept that I'm all that familiar with because I can be the OCD queen. I try really hard to be a go with the flow kinda girl from day to day, and I have to say that over the years, I've let go of a lot.
but today... i think i am officially the leader of the Tightly Wound Citizens of the World.
if this is the last time I post, be advised, my head probably imploded from the multitude of the aforementioned emotions.

thank you for your support
-psycho

Andy Martinez

2009-01-11T21:58:00.000-06:00

aka Andy DeMize and Andy boy Newcastle among others died today. He was the drummer in one of my favorite bands, the Nekromantix. I am truly sad...

Because I can... that's why!

2009-01-07T22:26:00.000-06:00

The holidays are over (praise allah... or whatever) and things are starting to even out around here. My boss came back to work today and it went OK. I didn't try to kill her or anything, because apparently I can stop my crazy ass impulses. The power cord finally came for my laptop (new puppy ate the last one, so that explains the absence) but while I do not like being disconnected from the WWW, i found out that I actually can survive without it. For the past 3 days (yes only 3 days so far, but I am very determined) i have gone to the gym regardless of what time i got home from work and stayed for at least an hour. I can actually do most of the poses in my yoga class which shocked the shit outta me, but I did it. I have also gone for 3 days without caffeine. I am going to do a lot of travelling this year, because I am beholden to no one and my only primary responsibility is to myself, so I guess I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. I don't know what else I'm planning yet, it's early in the game. I don't believe in resolutions but I do think that the new year is a good jumping off point to accept new challenges and embrace new experiences. So basically, yes, I am writing a very fluffy, pump yourself up, kinda blog. I did it because I can and as lame of a motto as that may be, I am determined to make this a year full of things I can and will do.

***Inspired by Queen of the Universe

Merry Christmas from the Family

2008-12-25T02:16:00.000-06:00

Hehehehehe...

Just wanted to share the lyrics to one of my favorite holiday tunes. I think I like it because i can relate... : )

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, NoelThe First Noel

Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's Cause We All Want One!
Send somebody to the Stop 'N GoWe need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet SpritesA box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Haleluja, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the Family

2008-12-17T20:00:00.000-06:00

i'm so sick of self righteous people who feel as if they have to point out everyone else's flaws in order to make themselves feel superior. somewhere, deep down inside, it must really suck to be filled with that much self loathing.
i am very aware that when i feel attacked, i can be defensive. i believe that this is a natural human response of which apparently my boss feels that she has superceded and therefore justified in pointing out about others. oh, and snappy and irritable... i'm aware i'm those things too (as evidenced by a previous post). i find it ironic that the cause of my snappy irritablity is the one who feels at liberty to point it out to me.
AGGGGGGHHHHHHHH..... STUPID BITCH!
i realize i am not perfect, far from it, but i revel in that. i'm not asking for perfection from anyone else, i would just like to deal with people on a daily basis that take a little pride in what they do from day to day, you know, that try a little...

Work: an allegory

2008-12-01T19:41:00.001-06:00

said the girl to the parrot in the polka dot dress,
"all your fussing and preening, you've caused such distress"
the owl, usually quiet, with little to say
only observing and noting told me today,
"she's lost it! She's crazy with all her red feathers
in tangles and knots trying to appeal to jet setters.
I cannot abide it, I've no other choice, we've got to do something,
one united voice!"
The girl, quite unsure of the old birds words
agreed with trepidation and replied, "haven't you heard?
The parrot doesn't care about serious things,
she only responds to the beautiful peacock, who sings.
until he is satisfied, she will not stop
the crazy pursuit of that selfish peacock."
The owl and the girl, feeling stuck in the tree
agreed that for the time, they'd just let it be.
He back to observing, she back to the grind,
they watched and they waited for further decline.
A silly, silly story, but as the moral goes,
never trust in a bird with personal woes.

The life lesson that I keep learning over and over again.

2008-11-17T19:55:00.000-06:00

Man, I really gotta get my attitude in check over my job situation. Things have been really screwed up and chaotic lately and I haven't been handling it very well.
I have a student right now (supposed to be my bosses student, but I digress...) and because I was recently in her shoes, I know how overwhelming being a student can be never mind the "real world" crap that goes on when there is a lot of unrest in the office where you're doing your clinical. I do feel bad for her, but it basically came out that she pretty much thinks me a heinous bitch... WHOA... that'll take you aback. I'm not one of those people who thinks its OK to heap crap on the med student simply because they're a student, so I took exception to this infomation. Sad thing is, I know I've been a bitch at work lately and unfortunately, she gets to experience it. The only part of it that is even related to her is that she isn't really my student but unfortunately for us both, she's been dumped on me by a boss that can't seem to get her personal life under enough control to run her practice.
Anyway, the bigger issue is, I spent A LOT of years being a bitch to everyone and generally being mean. When I was in my 20's, I decided I really hated that about myself and made a concerted effort to change. I was successful, mostly... I am usually way more good natured than before and let things slide off my back way easier than I used to. So now, when I occasionally find myself letting my circumstances affect me this way, I worry. I fret that I will slip back into bitching and moaning and complaining about everything and eventually it will turn into a landslide of negativity and I will once again become that horrible person that I hate.
I need a break, I need some encouragement, but most of all, at this particular moment in time, I need a Xanax....

2008-11-05T21:10:00.000-06:00

FUCK....

The new rules

2008-11-02T11:55:00.000-06:00

*I am alone, but not lonely. I am OK with this, if for some odd reason you have a problem with it, then fuck off!
*I am an extrememly nice person, but I will not be manipulated, so don't even try.
*"No" means exactly that. There should be no further explanation needed.
*I exist not for your amusement, pleasure or any other twisted idea you may have in your fucked up little head. My purpose in life changes every day, you should be so lucky as to be included in it.
*Yes, I only depend on myself, because I have learned throughout my life that the only other person I could depend on is no longer alive.
*I don't need your approval, so don't psychoanalyze me. Accept it and go on... if you can't, then clearly, I'm not your kinda girl.

These are just a few truths I finally let manifest somewhere outside of my head. After another horrible experience with a horrible person yesterday, I am determined to continue on my own path undeterred by the opinions of others.
Am I ranting... YES! Do I deserve to.... YES! I just needed to get this out so that I can let it go and pursue a zen existence for the remainder of the day.

After all this time...

2008-10-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

I am still in love with, infatuated by and dare I say, lust after Patricia Day of the Horrorpops! lol

The Queen and I attended the show at the Granada Theater the other night and I am still buzzing from it. The opening bands 7 Shot Screamers and Beat Union weren't bad, but I swear to you, I could literally be in the presence of the Horrorpops FOREVER and I don't think I would ever tire of them. First of all, when they pared it down to a trio from a quartet of players I thought their sound might become hollow, but damn I was soooo wrong. The only thing missing from this show were their go-gos who apparently aren't travelling because of the crappy economy.

I met Patricia Day once for like 2 minutes and I turned into such an uber dork. I promise. I just stared at her, drooling... and looking like a fool. Nekroman and Neidermeier are cool too. I've actually talked to those guys a couple of times and they were totally down to earth, but when it comes to Patricia, I just loose all ability to speak.

hehehehe I'm laughing at myself right now, cause I so sound like a teenage dirtbag with a crazy delusional fascination with some bikini model. Oh well... so be it. I'll stare at that girl, listen to her sing and slap the upright any day, any time! You should check them out too!

The genetic drowning pool

2008-10-25T21:48:00.000-05:00

Today I went to visit my biological father and his side of the family. Things were going along and my aunt, who was going through a box of pictures, asked him if he wanted a picture of his sister, his grandmother and some other relatives. He immediately said, "oh yeah, definately!" A few minutes later she asked him if he wanted a baby picture she had found of me. "Nah" was his only reply.
Initially, i was hurt. This has been a pattern of behavior for him pretty much my entire life and we go for years without speaking. About 20 minutes later, I decided I should leave because I wasn't sure of my reaction to his insensitivity. After arriving at my house and doing a lot of cathartic dish washing, I realized, my heart doesn't hurt anymore. I became aware that somewhere along the way, I didn't care anymore. I truly don't carry any kind of grudge toward him. the only reaction I was left with was one of feeling a little dumbfounded.
"Why does he call and invite me over if he really doesn't have an interest in me?" I thought. I really just wish we could agree to disagree and go our seperate ways. I harbor no ill will for him and I am aware that I have an amazing step father and grandpa. They have filled the "father" role in my life for such a long time brilliantly....
I'm proud of myself. It was a really productive growing up experience to be certain that I had finally let go of all that negativity...
Yeah me!!! LOL

Maybe we should just get drunk and play chicken with a train...

2008-10-16T21:12:00.000-05:00

inconvenienced, irritated, irate
major melt down to the nth degree
will i ever get home?
vodka with OJ, vodka with cranberry, vodka straight
buzzed, elated, invincible
how did I get here?
uneven ground, steel rails, faint vibrations in the ground
dancing, laughing, singing aloud
I'm sure I heard it coming, but ignored it...
now I am mesmerized by the light.

I had this crazy weird dream last night

2008-10-12T00:09:00.000-05:00

My very beautiful and typically tame best friend (on the left)

I must have been sleeping really solidly last night because I had this very bizzare dream! The bits that I can remember make me chuckle...
So one of my best friends lives in Latvia. I went over to visit in 2005 and was planning a trip for the end of this year, but that's not gonna work out. Anyway, in the dream, I was in the house that she shares with her husband and 3 children and she was upstairs, putting the children to bed or something. If I remember correctly, I was downstairs going through movies to watch when I stumbled across this unmarked disc. (no, it wasn't porn, get your mind outta the gutter, lol!) I put the disc in the DVD and to my surprise it was some badly done rocker/horror movie. I watched for a minute and all the sudden my friend burst onto the screen with her hair done up in blond dreads looking like a rasta version of Dee Schneider from Twisted Sister. She was yelling and snarling trying to look so bad ass....
Now, that's a little strange, but what really cracked me up is that my friend and her family are Baptist missionaries. Though I think she may have a little wild streak inside, she rarely shows it and never anything like my dream.
Oh well, I also woke up thinking I had some sort of plastic torture device stuck between my teeth holding my mouth open.... in reality when I woke up my jaw was clenched so tight I had a hard time opening my mouth.
Then there was this time I had a dream about my friend who used to be pastors in the church and it was like technicolor greatness. We were apparently all trippin with the Brady's on 'shrooms....

WHO PUT THIS VOODOO SPELL ON ME?????

2008-10-11T00:06:00.001-05:00

In order to understand this fully you should read the 2 previous entries.
Soooo.... the cable guy came and brought a new box to replace the one that was installed only 8 days ago. It has been almost exactly 12 hours since said replacement took place and AHEM... the damn new box did the exact same thing. It completely went out! Now I have to be up early in the morning so we can repeat this install new box, blow up new box cycle all again.
I'm beginning to get concerned about this. I mean what's next? I don't really want to know, but I have to admit my curiousity is definately piqued...
My friend suggested that maybe some energy doesn't want me in my house (i've only been here about 8 weeks) because this sort of strangeness has started to engulf me since I moved in. I don't know what to think. I don't feel any sort of malignant presence here at all...

supercalifragilisticsexpialiPISSED-the-FUCK-OFF

2008-10-09T21:30:00.000-05:00

my cable box burned up. i know, not a major crisis, BUT I am tired and I really wanted to watch the new episode of LA Ink tonight!
ok, so really that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It was another weird day. I evaluated someone who has probably been abused and molested (so sad and heartbreaking), I evaluated a 70+ yar old man who felt the need to divulge his affinity for women's panties (pink with a 2 inch lace waist and about 1 inch of lace around the leg openings), oh he likes all womens clothes, but especially the pink panties, and do i think i could help him obtain more to go with his bras because that would make him so happy, the cable box burned up and i just reviewed my bills and realized, yet again, I'm not going to be able to pay them all though i worked my ass off this week and have been babysitting in my free time to supplement.....
So i know the sadness and paraphilia come with the territory when you have my job, i know because i am me, cable boxes are going to burn up 5 days after installation and i have to keep telling myself that EVENTUALLY my damn license WILL come in the mail and the bureacratic bullshit that the state dishes out will come to close and i will be able to actually bill under my own license.... UNTIL THEN A BITCH HAS GOTTA VENT!

***DISCLAIMER**** I have no problem with anyone who likes to cross dress. this was not the issue at all. I did however, get a little creeped out when he kept obsessing over it, because clearly talking about it was an attempt to get his rocks off...

THANK YOU...AND GOODNIGHT...

identifying the weirdness

2008-10-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

ok, so before you read this just know, I am not complaining (i know, typical opening statement of someone who bitches all of the time), nor whining or anything else along that same vein. I just want to know.
my life gets pretty weird sometimes. I'm sure everyone has felt that way. But then it passes, right? well, i'm beginning to wonder when the wall of weirdness is gonna fall down and show me the brilliant blue sky because I'm becoming a little unnerved.
I don't really believe in having good or bad luck and I'm not sure about the whole karma thing either, but whatever it is that directs the universe seems to be pissed off at me.
This week for instance:
Monday - I tripped over a ginormous basset hound and broke my toe and have been in pretty much total body pain for the rest of the week. Note to self: marble floors are literaly hard as rocks
Tuesday - I left work early so I could come home and wait for the cable guy to come to the house. I'm a pretty easy girl to please and I was super stoked to finally be getting cable and internet. I waited...and waited... and WAITED. no one freakin showed up, no one called, whatevs...
I called the cable company and they're like "oh, it looks like someone cancelled your order" that's strange, I didn't cancel the order and they can't seem to identify WHO did it, but I digress.
Then there was the 2 to 3 ft tall black primordial dwarf that I saw in the underpass. He was wearing a fedora and a trench coat. Just standing there... at that point I was convinced I had lost it. I was hallucinating...
Wednesday - so I'm talking on my 1 day old, brand new phone and in the middle of a conversation, it just stops working, cuts itself off and died.
Oh yeah, the dwarf I saw on Tuesday is some sort of 2 to 3 foot statue of a black man with all of these strange wings coming off of it. So I wasn't hallucinating... Ok so no fedora and trench coat, it was really dark Tuesday night... Still weird, right? a statue just sitting on a median in the underpass???
Thursday - well I won't really go into it, but are you seeing my point??? This kind of stuff happens all of the time. Some of it, I know is just everyday life, but a lot of it is plain weird...
I wonder, is it me? Am I exposed to more bizarre than most? or am I just more observant? I dunno, it's not any kind of crisis situation or anything, but I'd like to hear about the bizarro happenings in your life... so post up and share ; )

PS. My 2nd brand new phone that I got yesterday... well, it gave a repeat performace of it's predecessor and died around 7 pm this evening

I think I broke it...

2008-09-29T18:49:00.000-05:00

...my toe that is. because... I am... da biggest klutz in da world. This did not start out to be the most enjoyable of days. I had to get up before 8am (that's uber early in my universe) and I had a run in with a ginormous basset hound. Yeah, that's what I said. Damn dog is like a brick wall. He ran in front of me while I was walking, I hit the marble floor on all fours (it was a sight to behold) and sat there stunned. As the day progresses I'm beginning to feel more and more like the crypt keeper as I'm pretty sure if I move too much one of my limbs may actually break off. Well, anyway just thought I'd give ya something to visualize and laugh at. Oh, and yeah, it's swollen and it hurts to put any pressure on it at all. Guess I better go buddy tape that bitch. At least it's not sticking out at like a 90 degree angle or something... LMAO

flash

2008-09-28T01:29:00.000-05:00

hot, i'm on fire
what the hell is this, i'm only, uh ummm...29
face burning bright red
intense heat emanating from inside
damn ovaries shoulda used 'em when i had the chance
slow descent to the 10th circle of hell
only one? asks the maître d'
oh, no worries... i have a reservation

No...

2008-09-25T16:30:00.000-05:00

I have not died, dropped off the face of the planet or succumbed to the very tempting alternative lifestyle of a crack addict. I simply haven't had internet access since I moved about 6 or 7 weeks ago, and damn, I miss it. So for all my fans out there (ie. one really amazing, but apparently delusional writer out there who for whatever reason reads the bullshit I write, oh and my 2 devoted friends who are also amazing writers) I will have daily access again starting Sept 30 so I'll be able to catch up on the reading or your amazing blogs and the writing of the asinine and insane that I revel in. Miss you guys!
-PSYCHO

A Friday Morning Conversation with the Queen

2008-08-23T13:27:00.000-05:00

Texting as I drove to work:

Psycho: "Tequila...Tekillya...Good morning Sunshine!"
Queen: "LOL. Have I ever told you that I don't like my boss?"
Psycho: "Let's see...Umm...not today, no."
Queen: "ARRRGH. Today I wish I was Lancelot and could just hike my leg on his door..."
Psycho: "Hey, if you go temporarily insane and that actually happens, please have enough sense to at least video that shit!"
Queen: "HAHAHAHA"
Psycho: "Is it martini time yet?"
Queen: "It was two hours ago. Now it's whiskey and ugly drink time."
Psycho: "NO wonder I just woke up like an hour ago. I must have gotten trashed at the early morning cocktail hour..."
Queen: "See what happens when you drink in your sleep?"
Psycho: "Damn that Ambien sleepwalking. The other day, I woke up with my face in a bowl of popcorn..."
Queen: "Dude. Be careful or you will end up on Dateline..."
Psycho: "I guess that's slightly better than Springer"
Queen: "Depends on the crowd you run in... Springer can elevate your white trash status sometimes..."
Psycho: "Yeah, but I'm waiting for my mail order midget to arrive. I don't think I'm quite Springer material until that happens."
Queen: "That kicks ass! For sure when it arrives we should have a party. I will bring the EZCheeze and Ritz crackers..."
Psycho: "Sweet! I'll make some trashcan punch and buy enough pork rinds and twinkies for the whole neighborhood!"
Queen: "What are you gonna name him?"
"My brother wants an Alpaca. I think he's weird."
Psycho: "Harley. Where the hell is he gonna keep an Alpaca? My boss said I can keep my pygmy goats on her land."
Queen: "Where the hell are you keeping a midget?"
Psycho: "Lets just saywhen I start wearing skirts all the time, you will know that he has arrived..."

AMERIKA

2008-08-15T13:28:00.000-05:00

This is soooo why I love my friends!!! This was posted by a friend of mine and I thought I'd share it with the rest of my favorite WT...

"So this year, I am the winner of a deelux trailer classroom with fancy wood paneling. For fun, I plan to trick it out in fine mobile style.Picture the Doublewide in Dallas if you've ever been.Or perhaps the airstream bathroom decorated by this guy that my friend slept with in the nineties at Shady Grove.So far I have flamingo tablecloths and flamingo lights.I need other tacky items if you got em and would like to donate them to public education. Do you have an aqua shag rug? Perhaps a spare orange sofa? Some extra faux grass carpet for my front porch? A beaded curtain?Anything vinyl? Planters for the front porch? Bean bags? I'm teaching American lit this year and I plan to show these kids what Amerika! is all about.

Miss Lady

PS My trailer is together! Some other poor teacher is assigned to the one that's still in two parts and ain't got no electricity yet."

Keep in mind that my friend, Miss Lady Dammit! (her derby name) is working on her PhD in English Literature and is a highly educated woman. All of these things make me love her even more!

2008-08-13T19:46:00.000-05:00

Perplexing poppets, princes and prose
the scoundrels, their bullshit, the worst of my foes
Little girls playing at being grown up
and those that are grown but play stupid
Boys, because really, what more can they be
and the poorly crafted tales that they whip up and weave
to woo the ignorant girl
And it all boils down to the words that we choose
the ones that determine, win or lose
how much love we feel.

The simplicity of dog

2008-08-02T00:36:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided I want to be a dog. May seem like a random choice, I mean dogs can do some pretty nasty things, right? Well if you think about it, people do some pretty terrible things too. We're often catty and at times just flat out rude to one another. This post is for those of you who somehow tend to end up on the recieving end of all that bitchiness. I mean, I'm sure I'm not alone when I express how tired I've become of chronically incouragable people.... so, I have a fantasy. I somehow magically morph into a domesticated house pet and my problems become so much easier to handle. Very little fuss or muss, really. Here's why...
Let's use my boy dog Sir Lancelot as an excellent example. I just moved into a new house this week. The neighbor dogs are a little...ummm...we'll call it yappy and high strung. Lancelot walked right up to the chain link fence to introduce himself to his future playmates. He primly sat at the fence line, tail wagging, making no sound. All the while the other precious little pups continued to carry on and appeared to be having a fit of sorts. When Lancelot had enough of thier noise he stood, (I thought to walk away) and hiked his leg on our new little neighbors. I was horrified and laughing hysterically all at the same time.
As I was relaying this little tidbit to a friend, she pointed out, "Wouldn't it be nice to deal with people that way? Ya know when they're really irritating you and just won't shut up." I thought about this for a moment.
I mean don't you think the world might be a little bit better if we didn't have all this pent up aggression toward each other. I'm sure people would be much nicer, otherwise it's like "Fuck you, here's some pee buddy."
Ahhhh.....the simplicity of dog.

surreal

2008-07-17T14:58:00.000-05:00

I saw her! We didn't speak but I remember looking up and there she was. Smiling. I think I asked if she knew who I was...asinine question, really. She just nodded her head, and continued to smile. It struck me that I hadn't seen that kind of smile from her since I was a little girl and she would pick me up from school. We would go to the mall and get a burger, then catch a movie, sometimes go to the arcade. Those are the times I remember her most radiant smile.
In the last few years, she was always tired and didn't really feel well but she always made an effort if she knew I was coming to see her. We always managed a laugh...
She really looked happy. I was happy for a moment... I woke up crying.
I'm thankful for the brief glimpse of her smile. I miss her with every ounce of me.

on the inside

2008-07-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

it's dark in here. lonely, crazy, anxiety driven. screaming in silence, smiling in public and ferociously trying to keep it together. anger, humiliation, fear with a little shame. knowing tomorrow has to be better and this will pass just like it always does. it hurts just the same.
embarrassment for thinking this way, paranoid at times, I know I'm not rational. I think the hardest part is knowing that. fine line between crazy and creative and I walk it like a tightrope everyday. somedays I slip.
i hate days like this...

I must have been a strange little 8 year old...

2008-07-11T16:06:00.000-05:00

FLASHBACK!!!!!
So, I was lying in bed last night trying to go to sleep and a song popped into my head. I don't know what kind of drugs my mom must have been slippin in my spaghettios in 1983 but I had the strangest and varied taste in music. In an earlier blog, I already proclaimed my love for Cyndi Lauper...wait for it...
Apparently, as I recall, I also had a fancy for the song Islands in the Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton because that's the song that I couldn't clear outta my cranium last night. I'm a little embarassed to admit it but I definately recall having the record and playing it frequently.
Some of the other faves in my music collection around that time were Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band, Footloose by Kenny Loggins, Jack and Diane by John Cougar (there was no Mellancamp at that time) and maybe a year or so later Maneater by Hall and Oates.
As I write this list, I am laughing my ass off and realizing that I have always been a strange little bird...

Ya'll come back now, ya hear???

I cried

2008-07-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

I have been riddled with anxiety and on the edge since Monday. Twice a day, every day this week (only a couple of days, I know, but it felt like FOREVER) I have logged onto the Internet to check for it, all the while bile churning in my gut and threatening to claw its way up my throat, only to be let down and somewhat relieved, that the news had not yet arrived....
Today, I cried. After all of the fear and doubt had bubbled inside for so long, it finally found it's release with THE NEWS. I PASSED. I am now a PA-C (Physician Assistant-Certified). Besides that, I am the most grateful girl in the world today and I cried for like an hour. I felt like an idiot, but it was a good thing.
Sweet Relief!

true fear

2008-07-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

I ain't skerd.... That's how I usually respond when someone asks me what I am afraid of. Today, I think I actually experienced true fear.
I took my Physician Assistant National Certifying Exam this morning. I felt pretty prepared going in, but I left nearly in tears. I think that was one of the most brutal experiences of my life up till now. I've been through a lot over the years to get to this point and the realization that I am completely uncertain as to whether or not I passed this test, has had me on edge all day long. It can take a few days or few weeks to get the results and I'm not sure I can take it...
I am just praying, hoping or whatever to whomever that I actually passed. I would have liked to have done well, but at this point, just a pass will suffice.
For now, I guess I'll try to ignore the urgent need to vomit or the intense bugs under the skin anxiety that I'm feeling. Maybe I should take up substance abuse or something to pass the hours... What's your drug of choice???

Testing...1....2...anybody in there???

2008-07-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is THE DAY. The one that determines whether or not I really retained any of the information that was forced down my throat at the speed of light over the past few years. Will I make the cut? I certainly hope so...
I have to be somewhere in Hurst at 8 AM in the morning (an ungodly hour, if you ask me)to sit in a cubicle and stare at a computer screen for 6 hours. I'm not so sure if it's a test of knowledge or sheer will and stamina, but I'm gonna give it a shot. I've alway despised standardized testing of any kind, because even at this level, they're more about your ability to play the game as opposed to testament of your actual knowledge. Thankfully, this is the last academic hoop I'll have to jump through for a while.
I'm out...

Idiots in kids clothing

2008-06-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty difficult to offend. As a matter of fact, I can't remember the last time I heard someone say something that actually made me cringe...
Well, it happened yesterday. I was getting out of my car in the Target parking lot and for whatever reason, I noticed a couple of boys that looked to be 16 or 17 years of age getting out of the car near me. Probably because they were being obnoxiously loud. At that age, I just chalk it up to being a kid. I went on my merry way into the store and was perusing through the dollar section, you know the one near the door that has all this semi-useful stuff at really great prices??? Anyway, I was browsing when I heard, not saw the same boys, coming into the store. I wasn't paying too much attention until one of them decided they needed to loudly announce that they were in the store by calling someone, I never figured out who, an intensely derogatory racial slur. The racial slur to beat all others and the one that makes my skin crawl...
I swear, I almost lost it. Who are these ignorant little people and where does this sense of entitlement that they apparently feel come from??? Kids like this, and sometimes their parents (I mean they had to learn it somewhere) are one of the reasons that people tend to jump to conclusions when they see anyone who doesn't look just like themselves. On closer inspection, I noticed that the guys both had shaved heads and some incredibly bad tattoos on their arms that appeared to be of a "hate" nature.
I would have not ever noticed this about the boys except that I was so incredibly angry that staring at them and giving the evil eye gave me ample opportunity to observe these things.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a big fan of being yourself, being an individual and by all means if you want to have an alternative look, then that's totally rad. Then I remember back to my little brother being in high school. He has ALWAYS kept his head shaved because he has incredibly curly hair, which he hates... Unfortunately, some of his classmates decided that made him a skinhead which is ridiculous because he is one of the most colorblind people I know.
There's me. When I walk out of the house I sometimes feel like I am conducting a real-time sociology experiment. I have numerous tattoos, most of which cannot be seen unless I'm wearing summer clothes. I intend to add a lot more and change this fact soon. And I have a couple of facial piercings. Nothing too noticeable on a daily basis because I am a Physician Assistant and I work with the geriatric population, so I have to maintain a sense of a professional appearance.
I guess , getting back to the point, that not only were these teenagers making asses out of themselves and being hateful, they were also giving people another reason to look at those around them and judge others for their physical differences.
One of my favorite songs says:
So I don't give into the common trends
Is that something I have to defend?
Who made you my judge and juror?

Beauty and the Brain

2008-06-26T23:18:00.000-05:00

Last night I was outside when it became apparent that it was going to rain. I started noticing how the cloud cover caused the color of everything outside to look as if someone had taken a huge Prismacolor marker to it. It was beautiful.

I started thinking, "man, I wish I had a camera so I could share this with others." Then, for some strange reason, I began to wonder about beauty, or the things I that I think are beautiful. It occured to me that I could have taken a thousand pictures of the sky that day, or of the trees or anything else I saw, and maybe no one else would have found them to be beautiful or significant or even interesting. I started to question whether or not the amazingly bright colors that appealed to me so much, would have the same effect on anyone else. What would they see?

Would they feel like they were standing in the midst of a surreal environment provided by the technicolor magic of the movies where things typically look way more beautiful than they truly are? Or would they notice anything at all? This led me to wonder about the brain functions and chemicals that are responsible for perception. Do they function differently in everyone to determine what we individually find beautiful? Or do we all see essentially the same things? This may seem trivial, but it's just a small example of the random things I think about. I don't even know if any of this makes sense and I'm finding stream of consciousness thoughts difficult to put into writing...

The most fun a girl could have on a Sunday night!

2008-06-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

I wasn't really sure what kind of show to expect from my Goonie Loving Pop Star, but I have to say it in 3 words...A-MAZ-ING! It was seriously so much better than I could have ever imagined. I had more fun than I've had in a long while. FIrst, I have to say, damn, I don't think Joan Jett has aged at all. I mean she was totally rad out there in VERY low rise black leather pants and black leather triangle bra wailing and playing guitar like there was no tomorrow. Pretty sweet. Then the B-52s came out. I didn't know a lot of the songs because they recently put out their first new album in like 16 years called "Funplex". I think Ima have to go buy it Mmm-kay??? They are still groovy after all of these years.
HOWEVER, lemme just get down to the most important thing. My formerly orange and yellow haired idol was insane. She had more energy than just about anyone I've ever seen on stage. She was singing, running up and down the stage, going down into the audience and playing numerous different instruments. I was super impressed. I think there's a slight possibility that she was kinda manic, but hey, at least she was using her possible mental illness for good instead of evil, right? I would go back and see any of those bands in a heartbeat, not to mention I really liked the equality message they were trying to convey.
It was a total win-win situation. Oh and Wanda Sykes and Carson Kressley (sp?) outrageously funny in between sets.
peace

wide awake

2008-06-21T00:07:00.000-05:00

how is it that I have had a very long week and a tiring day with my favorite kiddos in the world and yet I am sitting on the couch wide awake. I'm tired, I know this to be true. My eyes are burning like crazy (typing this is actually making it worse) but the minute I close them, my mind begins to race as though tomorrow were the apocolypse and it was my job to figure out how to stop it.... what's this about? Its like my nerves are charged to full capacity and there is nowhere to transfer said energy, so it's stuck. inside my head, down my spinal column and into my finger tips which currently feel like the nerves may crawl to the outside in search of an electrical circuit. This sucks. it happens sometimes and the anxiety it causes manifests itself in numerous, often unpleasant, ways. I thought this time I'd try writing it down, not really sure if it's helping or not...

Besides, if tomorrow were the end of the world I'm certainly not the dumbass that anyone would call up for a solution so I really don't get the urgency...lmao

DAMMIT, I WANNA GO TO SLEEP!

takes me back to 1983

2008-06-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

So I am a total dork. I embrace this about myself and this particular trait really comes out when I actually get really excited about something! Sooo.... sunday I am going with friends to see a concert and the headliner is....dumdumdum...Cyndi Lauper. I am totally stoked about this because... I remember being 8 years old and the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Album came out. I begged for it. FOR MONTHS! I had no idea what some of the songs were about which makes me almost giggle now as I listen to the orignial cassette tape I bought with my own money from the Record Bar in 1983. As if listening to the tape constantly were not enough, I actually had outfits that resembled the things that Cyndi would have worn at the time, so I decided it was necessary to become her, orange and yellow hair included, for Halloween that year. I was totally obsessed, almost as bad as the Stevie Nicks obsession of the late ninties and early two thousands. Anyway, I am soooooo excited to be seeing her in concert for the first time ever. Not to mention that the B-52s and Joan Jett are also gonna be there. I mean the only thing more amazing would be if the Horrorpops showed up with their lead singer and my fantasy girlfriend, Patricia, was slappity slappin the upright on the stage... Yea for Sunday night!

what's better than this?

2008-06-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

It's thursday night, I finally made it home.... with 3 little divas in tow and it has to be one of the most entertaining evenings I've had in a while! lol UP to the present, we have made a trip to the grocery for junk food and scarfed food from Wendy's before we ever made it to my house. At this VERY moment, they are playing the High School Musical Scene It game. It must be amazing to be 7, 8 or 10 and sing at the top of your lungs in front of everyone and shake your booty like there's no tomorrow. I'm pretty sure they're having a good time and it's an awesome sight to behold...I cringe to think of later when the sugar high wears off and everyone gets a little emotional. Oh well, until then it's party time! hehehehehe

electrical appliance abusers anonymous

2008-06-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

I sleep any chance I get. It's my favorite past time. I have been known in the past to carry on entire phone conversations that I do not remember and to sleep walk when I was younger. I also go through periods of time that my dreams are so vivid and real, they are difficult to shake. I usually, however, do not have the hysterically violent reaction that my sleeping thoughts caused a couple of nights ago.
I recall that I got married. This idea horrified me to the core (more on that later). Then it seems that my other and I did nothing but fight from the moment we said our "I do's". Apparently, the situation got pretty ugly because I awoke beating my fist on top of the alarm clock and cursing at the top of my lungs. I never heard the alarm clock but it must have jolted me out of my reverie because I can't figure why else I would be abusing it so...
Later that day, I remembered more details of what happened and got a visual of myself beating the alarm clock and screaming. Now that was some funny shit! It still makes me laugh...
I vow from this day forward that I will never again abuse an electrical appliance and if I do so, I promise to seek help..

clawing its way through my skin to the surface

2008-06-10T21:23:00.000-05:00

Life can be incredibly harsh. Every time I think I have figured it out, the darkness slashes and rips through my skin and makes its way onto the surface, where it hurts the most. Every time I think I have learned to trust that things are going to work out, I am slapped atop the head again with a big, "ha, ha. I was just foolin..." from the mysterious director in this play. That's all it is really, a play, and we're all just marionette puppets with taut strings and wooden smiles. I really don't care to participate anymore. I just want to fall into the blissful wonder of restful sleep and remain there, at least until the plot changes or the director finally decides I deserve a more fulfilling role. The education doesn't help and the drugs stopped working, but I just can't swallow falling into line and becoming one more happy false prophet... so how do I banish the darkness?

Silence...

2008-06-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

So I was taking a stupid on-line quiz the other day and one of the questions asked, "How long has it been since you've spoken out loud?" I started thinking about it and realize I go hours, occasionally even a couple of days without really saying anything out loud. I mean I'm thinking most of the time and sometimes, it seems like I've been talking to someone, but.... I'm pretty sure the words never actually formed in my mouth. This doesn't bother me, I don't usually feel excessively lonely or isolated, but then I wonder, is it really OK to spend that much time alone in my own head? I used to do it to the point of insanity, I've relaxed a lot, but I find myself mostly content with the silence...

A cop, a donut and one head light

2008-06-01T23:50:00.000-05:00

A recounting of a trip home from school a couple of years ago. I was just thinking about it the other day and it made me laugh...
So road trips are fun, right??? Do do do, we're driving along from the big ABQ trying to escape to Texas, most preferably the Dallas area, when boom, 75 mph and some kind of crazy debris all over the road, we have a major blowout. What kind of shit is this, I ask. Oh, it's only the taxpayers money going to waste again and those lazy TxDOT assholes not keeping the roads free of danger, no biggie. We get out of the car to inspect. There's definately some damage so poor Erin changes the tire only for us to realize that we are in the middle of BFE nowhere and our only choice is to try and make it to Abilene for the night in hopes of finding a Honda dealership.That crazy metal shit all over the road ripped a large hole in not only my tire, but the rim as well, while causing other body damage that will require an insurance claim. So we're rolling along on the donut at a speedy pace of about 50 mph. We arrive in Abilene, retrieve some beer, I definately needed a beer, and are literally about to turn into the parking lot of the hotel when.......red and blue lights. Holy shitballs batman, somebody give me a freakin break! Roll down the window.....liscense and registration (I know we weren't speeding, we weren't even going the f'ing speedlimit)......ma'am, did you know your headlight is out (I really want to roll my eyes and bitch slap this guy about now).....WTF, ummmm, no sir I had no idea .....
I'm still not sure if this all really happened yesterday or if someone spiked my dr pepper at the Bueno. Anyway, whatever that little experiment was supposed to be it failed.......oh yeah, and it sucked great big green donkey balls, too.

This much I know...

2008-06-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

i know:
i like nothing better than kicking back and listening to live music
getting a little rowdy sometimes never hurt anyone
people who are balls out all the time, regardless of what others think are my heros
strong women inspire me every day
i like my anger, it drives me to be better
if i fail to learn something new everyday, then what’s the point, really?
letting go and having a drink is fine, especially on a quiet beach somewhere
If you love me, then you just do. If you don’t then I really will be OK...
i love getting tattooed, it’s almost a spiritual experience for me (and I really kinda like the pain)
that i am wonderfully made to be me and no one else, so deal with it, I have
that i don’t know much, but it’s still a lot more than most people
some days i feel like a rockstar when i can really help another person
know that i love the freedom that comes with just being me
my puppy dog is sometimes my favorite friend
my fascination with death is not really all that unusual
for once in my life, I really love me!