Today I went to visit my biological father and his side of the family. Things were going along and my aunt, who was going through a box of pictures, asked him if he wanted a picture of his sister, his grandmother and some other relatives. He immediately said, "oh yeah, definately!" A few minutes later she asked him if he wanted a baby picture she had found of me. "Nah" was his only reply.
Initially, i was hurt. This has been a pattern of behavior for him pretty much my entire life and we go for years without speaking. About 20 minutes later, I decided I should leave because I wasn't sure of my reaction to his insensitivity. After arriving at my house and doing a lot of cathartic dish washing, I realized, my heart doesn't hurt anymore. I became aware that somewhere along the way, I didn't care anymore. I truly don't carry any kind of grudge toward him. the only reaction I was left with was one of feeling a little dumbfounded.
"Why does he call and invite me over if he really doesn't have an interest in me?" I thought. I really just wish we could agree to disagree and go our seperate ways. I harbor no ill will for him and I am aware that I have an amazing step father and grandpa. They have filled the "father" role in my life for such a long time brilliantly....
I'm proud of myself. It was a really productive growing up experience to be certain that I had finally let go of all that negativity...
Yeah me!!! LOL
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Yaya you. I realised a while ago too that it was time to let my parents go as an excuse for who I am or all that insoluble emotional who what thingy, take responsibility and get on with it. It felt good. You are a champion.
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