Tuesday, April 5, 2011
self indulgent bullshit, my new reality
I did it. Last week I threw up my hands and conceded defeat, something I always vowed I'd never do. I refused to get out of bed, gave into the tears, then the anger, admitted fear and finally became numb again except for the physical discomfort I'm in. I guess it's supposed to be some cruel reminder that I'm alive. A fact I'd rather forget some days. This has been the cycle for nearly a week now. My behavior not only disappoints me, but disproves the theory some of my friends have that I am strong. The reality is, I used to be strong, or maybe it was sheer refusal to be what I've always despised, but I'm tired. I could always count on my mind, even after a few years ago when my physical body started to fail me and I was no longer able to push it to its outer limits, I could always stretch my brain beyond capacity. I don't think I can anymore nor am I sure I even want to. Don't misunderstand my intent. I am not selfish enough to make some ridiculous, grand sweeping gesture of finality. It never even crosses my mind, and therefore I am in a quandry. How do I continue really living each day feeling the way I do about a worsening, unfortunately this time, beyond my control situation? I just don't know anymore. I don't think I've ever been this far in it. I'm lost.