Tuesday, April 5, 2011

self indulgent bullshit, my new reality

I did it.  Last week I threw up my hands and conceded defeat, something I always vowed I'd never do. I refused to get out of bed, gave into the tears, then the anger, admitted fear and finally became numb again except for the physical discomfort I'm in.  I guess it's supposed to be some cruel reminder that I'm alive. A fact I'd rather forget some days. This has been the cycle for nearly a week now. My behavior not only disappoints me, but disproves the theory some of my friends have that I am strong. The reality is, I used to be strong, or maybe it was sheer refusal to be what I've always despised, but I'm tired.  I could always count on my mind, even after a few years ago when my physical body started to fail me and I was no longer able to push it to its outer limits, I could always stretch my brain beyond capacity. I don't think I can anymore nor am I sure I even want to. Don't misunderstand my intent. I am not selfish enough to make some ridiculous, grand sweeping gesture of finality. It never even crosses my mind, and therefore I am in a quandry. How do I continue really living each day feeling the way I do about a worsening, unfortunately this time, beyond my control situation?  I just don't know anymore. I don't think I've ever been this far in it. I'm lost.


Queen of the Universe said...

we are all lost...that is how we notice each other bouncing around down here. sometimes we have parties, sometimes we cry, sometimes we sleep too much. given that there is no real desire to simply give up, we succeed by doing the best we can with what we are given. even if thats a great big shit sandwich. you can do it and i will keep telling you that until you believe it. :)

meanwhile, self indulgent bullshit is a valid therapy option IMHO.

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